Sharing My Journal
“What does God know?”
The question came to my mind and stayed all evening yesterday and all day today repeatedly pushing me to ponder about what had happened. My colleagues at the Presbytery meeting last night would never think that they might not see me there. I also did not think that I might not be there either. But by God’s grace, I was there.
Yesterday afternoon I went visiting my church member at Holy Spirit. On the way back I intended to stop at Stone Bridge a nursing home to visit another church member before going home to get ready for my church elder to pick me up to go to the Presbytery meeting at the Silver Spring Church.
It was about 2 PM or so. If you know the four lanes on Route 11/15 turned to be 2 lanes after across State Route 81 when approaching Marysville. People normally speeded up to be ahead or did not get behind you when the right lane was ending. Many tried to cut in the traffic line just to be ahead. I resented that behavior and sometimes did not let them in or cut in front of me.
Yesterday three vehicles came up behind me and raced to be ahead before we got to the two lanes road. I did not speed up this time. I felt that I could let them go as they were in such a hurry.
Less than one minute later there was an awful loud crash ahead of me. I was going about 45-50 miles an hour. I hit the brake and stopped the car suddenly. “What happened?” I panic. My heart pounded inside. The truck ahead of me swerved and stopped.
I told myself that I must get out even though feared of what I might see. I got out of the car and walked around the truck. My whole body trembled. I could hear my heart beat. I was in shock. I could cry. It happened in one second. The truck in front of me hit a car coming from another lane toward him head on.
The car came in our lane approaching the truck ahead of me so fast and the truck driver had no way to avoid. An old man was strapped in the car. I could tell that he was dead instantly. No blood, no bruises. His eyes were closed and his face looked like he was sleeping. He sat there so still, no movement. He was crushed. An old man, gray hair, small, and lifeless! He might have a heart attack or passed out so he came in our lane toward the truck with no control.
The truck made loud panic honk sound for a long time. Air bags popped floating. Burned smell. The car was sideway in the middle of the road with the whole front smashed up crushing the old man. I still see him. A quick question came to my mind when I was standing next to his car, “Did he know he would die here?” Of course not, I told myself. When he got on the road, he did not know or even imagine that he would die like that.
I did not know what to do or to think. My heart was filled with sadness. I kept walking around the car looking in to see if I knew the old man. The young man who drove the truck did not get hurt. Construction men by the road came over. The EMS came.
The EMS lady asked me if I was OK when she looked at my face. I nodded my head. I could not talk. Fire trucks and police came. Long lines of traffic both sides. The whole road was shut down.
I told myself that I should stay until at least the police got there. I was an eyewitness. Because there was some confusion right after the crash about how it happened. And one guy behind me was very upset. He had a big dog in the front seat with him, a very calm and kind dog sitting quietly among the chaotic and siren sounds.
The old man’s face was covered with white cloth and the car was covered with a blue tarp. I felt a deep lose in that long moment. My heart pounded and I still could not talk. I stood there to hear a man who drove in front of the truck explained to the police to be sure that the information was correct. People were waiting around. It was a long wait.
The truck driver was still in shock. He kept saying that he had no way to avoid that car coming toward him. I told him how sorry I was. Then I talked to the upset man and calmed him down. Firemen and constructors looked at me as if they were wondering, “Who is this woman?” I did tell the upset man that I was a pastor.
When I knew that the road would be closed for 2 hours. I turned around and went on Route 322 to Duncannon because I needed to be home by 4 PM to get ready to go to the Presbytery meeting. I calmed down and my shaking was better after I got home
“What does God know?” This question kept asking me repeatedly when I saw the dead old man’s face in my mind. How sad I felt!
If I did not let that truck go ahead of me, it would be me whom that old man ran to head on. We both would get killed or I would seriously injure. If I swerved the car to avoid him, I would hit the guardrail on the right so hard. And again I would get killed or get injured seriously. And there would be more injured people involved. But the truck ahead of me was big and heavy so the young driver did not get hurt. And I did not get a scratch.
What does God know? How did it happen? And why? What did God know that I did not know when I was driving at that moment? How did I listen to a voice inside me saying, “Let them go first?” Why did I let those vehicles raced to be in front of me? It was only half a second for the decision that I chose to stay behind. God was there with me. It was God’s voice in me that I listened to that saved my life.
How about that old man? Was God there with him? How about his family? They would be devastated when they knew about the fatal accident. How about the young man who drove the truck? How would he feel the rest of his life that he was involved in an accident that took a man’s life even though it was not his fault?
“What does God know?” Repeatedly I asked myself. Did God know what would happen? “What does God know?” I don’t really know. I don’t really know it all what God knows.
This is what I know. I know that God has a purpose for me to live. I know that every moment I live is by God’s grace. I know that the old man would die some day. He died yesterday the way it happened without injuring or killing a young mother or a child or me or anyone who could have come his way instead of that big truck. That would leave his family behind felt worse to live with the consequence.
It was sad enough that he died but the family would feel so terrible if the old man insisted to be on the road regardless his health and killed somebody. So many thoughts rolled through my mind. I don’t know which one is right. All thoughts jumped inside me and I had to write it out.
The old man’s face and the way he died still popped up in my mind from time to time. Every time I saw him I told myself that God wanted to humble me. God wanted me to humble myself before God. The incident taught me to trust in God every moment. I cannot see the future no matter how anxious I am. I don’t see what will happen next in my life. I can plan about things but only God knows what will happen.
I planned to visit my church member at a nursing home on the way home. I did not get to do it because of the accident. I never thought that I would be that close to the tragic accident. God wanted me to live at least through yesterday.
I pray for the old man’s family for God’s comfort. I pray for the young driver to find God and the purpose for his life. I pray for peace for the upset man behind me who told me that the dead old man looked like his dad who was 94 and still drove. I pray for strength and wisdom for the crew out there helping. I pray for me to submit myself totally to God and to be ready for God’s actions.
Every moment is God’s moment. God is in control. I don’t have to know every thing. God already does. My anxiety does not extend my day. God does. Trusting God is a lifelong lesson. Listening carefully to God’s voice helps me making good judgment.
Listening to the Holy Spirit within me saved my life. God knows. God knows me. God loves me.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009